What It's Like to Let Go of Who I Think I Am

On some level, there has always been a fascination in the back of my mind (or maybe at the core of my being) with unconventional ideas. When I look at what I wanted to be when I grew up, it ran the gamut from nun to teacher to child psychologist. And now I realize that what I’m really drawn to is kind of a combination of all of those. Influenced by practicality and the fact that I didn’t buy the dogma of the Catholic religion I was raised in (good-bye career as a nun), I chose teaching and did that for 9 years after undergrad.

As Kierkegaard wrote, "Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." I have only come to understand the trajectory of my life upon greater reflection over the past decade. And what really stands out to me is how what I thought my family and patriarchal society at large wanted me to do and be was so dominant. This from someone who thought she was so independent.

I succumbed to society’s idea of success by getting a law degree, working in business, then coaching executives and leaders act like leaders. But something always tugged at me.

Now, I am going through the process of letting go of who I think I am to become a combination of that “teacher-nun-psychologist” sort of person I envisioned as a child – the person it seems I’m meant to be. And I can tell you this process is way easier said than done. For me, it most definitely hasn’t happened overnight.

Keeping in mind the stages of grief identified by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, here is some of what I’ve experienced as I work on letting go of who I think I am to become who I’m meant to be:

Excitement and Anticipation of the Future

When I got to the point of being fed up with my 8-to-5 HR job and decided to go in a different direction as a leadership coach, I had a sense of excitement and anticipation about a new direction. After all, the grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence.

Now as I refine my coaching and training practice to focus more on personal growth and development, I have a renewed excitement of making a difference in people’s lives. I eagerly anticipate having fun and meaningful workshops and retreats with people who want to become more than they have allowed themselves to be.

Anger

I had always fought my parent’s view of me and what I should be like. I heard, “That’s not lady-like,” way too much. My father wanted my sisters and I to go to college and have careers … in case we needed to take care of ourselves without husbands. (Hello, patriarchy.) And certainly, in many of the places I worked, it infuriated me to watch as male employees were listened to and rewarded, while most of the women were relegated to doing important work without recognition because they were just “the girls in the office” who made sure the paperwork was done.

A new wave of anger ran through me when, upon reflection, I realized just how much I had been programmed by the subconscious thinking that kept me seeking the approval of my parents even after I was on my own. I was angry at how I had bought into patriarchal thinking and at how I had limited myself because of it. Oh, you wouldn’t necessarily see it from the outside, but inside, I had limited myself in terms of career and even who I dated.

So, I continue to work on re-programming myself to accept who I am and what I want rather than trying to meet the expectations of others.

Fear

Alternating with excitement and anticipation, I felt the fear of not being successful. This made me question myself about going ahead with what I had envisioned. I could list all kinds of ways why people wouldn’t buy my brand of personal development solutions. I am alternately afraid that the way I present things will be too “woo-woo”. After all, I had spent most of my career conforming to patriarchal ideas of what makes someone successful, and here I was on the verge of jumping off the career cliff into “woo-woo” land, potentially throwing away my reputation and running counter to traditional patriarchal notions of “success” and “power”.

The only way I know how to deal with fear is to face it. So, I take baby steps instead of trying to eat the elephant all at once. I record short videos or draft short blog posts on relevant topics, and started sharing them on my website and social media.

Bargaining

Then, I tried to soften the transition from traditional to unconventional. I’ll convince myself I can insert just little amount of palatable “woo-woo” into what I already do. Maybe if I mostly do the standard stuff with a little tinge of maybe something like quantum physics, I can make it work for me and my clients. I’ll spend time rationalizing and strategizing how to do this, then realize whatever I add in will stick out like a sore thumb, and I need to go one way or the other. Ugh!

Avoidance

Distraction is a great tool for avoidance. I’m good at starting on something, then getting sidetracked by something else. I’ll end up spending too much time on something that’s not immediately relevant to what I meant to work on. I’ll decide I need to get groceries before I sit down to make a video. Then lo and behold, after I get home and unload everything, I look at the clock and think, “Well, it’s too late now to start the video (or blog post or whatever). Guess I’ll do it tomorrow.” Just call me Scarlet O’Hara.

(In the middle of writing this blog, I decided to go to the library to pick up a book that was on hold for me there.)

Depression

Depression is one of Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief. I can’t say I feel depressed or even sad, but I do wonder what my life would have been like had I taken different opportunities earlier in my career. I had the chance to take a position out of college that required I practice Transcendental Meditation. I thought it would be isolating and get me mixed up in a cult, so I told them that was a deal breaker for me. I had the chance to publish a college paper I’d written contrasting the Western world view with that of the Lakota, but I thought editing my paper over the summer would distract me from finding a teaching job.

Despite not pursuing these unconventional opportunities as they arose, I do meditate now and my interest in philosophy and world views (including quantum physics) have at least a small influence on my new direction.

Acceptance

I haven’t fully accepted my new identity. That will take a little more time. But I am nudging myself in that direction slowly but surely. I like who I thought I was, so it’s hard not to want to keep a good deal of her.

As I continue letting go of my identity as a player in the business world, I’m mindful of how it feels to let go of an identity and reputation I spent decades forming, building, and refining. I can say that this business of letting go of the parts that were never really me and owning what’s left is definitely a “head game”.

I don’t know exactly how everything will turn out, but I think that I am moving closer to being some combination of nun, teacher, and psychologist that my child-self wanted all along.